(…Well, at least she’s making it on time to the thing.)


****Author’s more serious note for this page****

All… this page was emotionally hard for me to complete, as certain relevant pages, moments, and other parts to TL frequently are.

Where Hazel’s thoughts in this moment are exposed for the world to read and know, in order to show them, I had to comb through scores of MY past journal entries from the same time-frame… indeed, my own thoughts previously never shared with ANYBODY before in my life. (And certainly never expected to be by 2013’s me.)

Hazel’s thoughts here are virtually verbatim the things I said to myself in my shoes at that point, circa that early October: everything from legitimately noting that I needed to get more toilet paper and cellophane wrap, to noting that I was quite tired when I judged I shouldn’t have been because *food,* to yes, acknowledging that I hated myself– and seeing that aspect to be among the potential things that could be getting in the way of me reaching *my guy.*

I thought all these things to myself– MULTIPLE TIMES— in so many events at that early stretch, often all in the same stretch.  And… never told anyone this to their faces, as in these panels, Hazel doesn’t either.

From a writers’ perspective (i.e. yes, I’m telling you my true-life story, but via a semi-fictional bridge as well), I genuinely debated just telling you this in the panels with Hazel’s words to herself, versus more visually showing it with Hazel just acting it out— for example, eating one too many bowls of oatmeal in her flat-room, as I indeed did, to illustrate her eating way too much food.

But the thing is… this too is what I did. I thought, a lot, and I thought these kinds of thoughts without anyone else around me getting to know I thought them. Without me ever daring to share it, all while doing things externally like going ahead and pressing on to the next tutorial.

AND, yes, ALSO literally having my own supposed-to-be-for-a-bound-book papers fly out of my hands at that time. (Believe me, it only gets worse from here. Mild “spoiler” alert: one of them landed in a puddle.)

As all of these things are true just coming personally from me, I hope simply to shine a light on what I exemplified…. as just one with a lot held within. Not always for the best… yet so, just the same.